"I love you, please don't hurt me"
I’ve moved into a new place as of last Friday, together with my best girlfriend I now live in a house, on an island outside Stockholm, pretty far from city centre but it’s absolutely worth it! Now we can host retreats, workshops, and all the amazingness we can fit! <3
So of course now I have to take advantage of the fact that I no longer have neighbors right through the wall, floor, or ceiling, and do some LOUD morning practices.
Yesterday I did emotional release with myself and Amy Lee (Evanescence), screaming, roaring, sharing, drooling and just completely losing it all over the living-room floor.
After some 40 min I felt loads lighter, and continued on with my day, still pulsating from the rage that just erupted from my being.
This morning I wake up and after procrastinating for sometime in bed, I decided that this will now be my regular morning practice!
So I get dressed go to the living-room and put on some music, start shaking, sounding and breathing… then after 20 min or so I decided to switch music, and do some shamanic breathwork.
*For those who don’t know – it’s a super powerful breathing technique that gives power, oxygen and life to all your body, as well as release stuck emotions of different sorts.
After only a few minutes of breathing, I hear myself shriek.
A crazy, angry, animalistic scream full of pain emerged from the depth of my belly, and filled the space.
Then came the tears…
I cried and I cried…
The music changed, I got uncomfortable, started moving, distracting, noticed myself getting uncomfortable and tried coming back to it, again after a few min. I was back in the breathwork.
Another minute, and I’m weeping again… Emotions stuck just beneath the surface, I was crying “I love you, please don’t hurt me, NOO NO, but I LOVE YOU, PLEEEASE don’t hurt me!!”
The pain, the rage, the grief was excruciating!!
I didn’t know where it was from or who I was talking to; myself, my boyfriend, my exes, my father, I had no idea… I just felt the pain and in the back of my mind wondered “how the hell can I be alive, walking with that inside me…”.
And this was emerging from me in English. Weird, considering it’s not my mother-tongue even though I’m fluent in it.
In the midst of the pain I felt my thoughts wander, NOPE, coming back, no escaping!
I felt the tears fill my eyes time and time again as I was laying down, running down my temples and into my hair…
The pain of wanting to BE LOVE, to be seen as love, as light, the pain of having SO MUCH LOVE to give and not be received in it, the pain of being pushed away because of someone’s conditioning, the agony of being hurt by someone you love, the torture of wanting to love so badly.
This was not a little girl talking from her insecurities.
This was a part of me that’s adult, mature, a part of me that is so much love she’s overflowing, so much it event hurts to not be allowed to love fully.
I picked myself up after sometime, relieved, resting,, feeling lighter, but still there's more to come.
Join me in upcoming events or book an online private session, where we can work though our inner traumas together, befriending our demons, and de-conditioning taboos.
Love and dance
I met my EX
I MET MY (abusive) EX
I thought I'd share this piece for information with anyone struggling in shit relationships, I hope this helps! <3
Last year my ex wanting to meet up a year after our breakup, and everyone said not to do it, including my best friends, my current partner, everyone told me no.
But I went ahead anyway.
And honestly - It's the best thing I could have done! 🥰
My ex is suffering from Borderline disorder and severe PTSD, and he was a monster to me. The monstrous thing being that he loved me so much, and intermittently treated me like crap, emotionally and verbally (until he finally punched my face) and then went back to being amazing.
I stayed, because he had all the qualities I wished for in a man, besides the soon obvious fact that he's way too nuts and traumatized to be in a relationship.
And also, I was afraid that nobody else could tolerate how MUCH I am.
And here's the good part.
He wanted to meet, because he wanted to get back together.
I told him no, not because I have a boyfriend, but because you are too unreliable.
Then he proceeded to hold space for me, while I vomited out how angry I was, how hurt, how scared, and how I was grieving all the time and energy spent, how much it affected me.
He just listened, breathing deeply, being present.
When I was all out of rage, he asked if there is anything he can do for me.
- "Tell me the truth about me!" I said.
And he told me the truth... Which I hope can help YOU understand this kind of man better.
The truth is, he loved me.
He was afraid of losing me, and he put me on a pedestal so high, and himself so low.
He saw me as the beauty, and himself as the beast, therefore he had to emotionally manipulate, break me down, make me insecure, belittle and play on my abandonment wounds, so that he could win. So he could have me, as he pleased, so he knew I would always chase after him.
He wanted to be close, but since he is anxiousANDavoidant, he would neither be too close, or too far. Both options scared him to death.
HE WANTED TO BREAK ME DOWN, BECAUSE HE THOUGHT SO LITTLE OF HIMSELF, THAT I NEEDED TO STOOP TO HIS LEVEL SO WE COULD BE TOGETHER WITHOUT HIM ALWAYS FEELING INSECURE, INADEQUATE, AND REPULSIVE.
Despite it being obvious that he was the villain in this story, I could not help but ask him; - "Was it me? Did I make you aggressive, was anything my fault?"
- "No, don't you ever think that! You are nothing but LOVE!"
So there you go.
Best closure ever.
I said thank you, and walked away <3
Remember - Weak men, are dangerous men.
More herbal medicine, woho!
In times of fear and Covid-19,time to stock up on more than just toilet paper.
It's super important to support our immunity, before we actually get sick. Support ourselfes and our loved ones, in simple ways, like some chaga tea.
Chaga, this magic #mushroom that grows on birch trees, absorbs all the goodness from the birch.
It has been used as traditional medicine in Siberia, even been told to protect and help cure cancer or support during chemo!
Its #antifungal , #antibacterial #antiviral anti most things actually!
If you look it up on Google, the list is HUGE!
I've had friends cure their pollen and fur allergy, rashes and colds by drinking chaga 💓
Personally I use it to support my health in times of trouble, and it's super strong and powerful.
You can cook a tiny piece several times, and drink the tea.
Also Chai tea made from base of #chaga instead of black tea is amazing! 💐
More ways to protect from the virus:
- zinc supplements and vitamin B compex are amazing! Very important to support the immune system and to protect your cells from stress, since stress also lowers immunity.
- eat whole and healthy foods, in variation, not just the pasta you stocked up during quarantine. 😂
🌳If you want some chaga, I have both pieces, powder and a little tincture left! 🌳
Contact me for private sessions, health advice and more!
Support your local artist/teacher/healer that lost most work because of the virus 😂😭
Covid-19 preventative medicine
How are you feeling?
Scared, relieved, afraid, paranoid, happy, safe?
Whatever it is, I think this is time to really think about how we handle ourselves in times of chrisis and sickness.
So many go out for work when they "just feel a bit better", and a big part of why our earth goes to shit (global warming) is because most don't think PREVENTATIVE, they only treat the situation when it's already sick.
Many of my events are on hold, workshops canceled or postponed, and so far most of the work I can still do is just online, coaching 1-1 or with couples, and of course (since it got lost in my feed down below..) - herbal medicine!
After all this is Wild MEDICINE Tantra, and so I wanna share with you a few beautiful protective natural remedies that I use to take care of myself, and of course I have them if you want to buy
First out is Echinacea - this beautiful flower!
It's widely known as a powerful immunity booster, because it not only protects you by itself but also makes your immune system ACTIVATE and work harder to fight off those foregin bacteria.
Echinacea is strongly antiviral; both inside and outside your body it kills all kinds of flue viruses, eczema, and even herpes type 1 and 2 outbreaks.
She is anti bacterial and anti-inflammatory, helps your body heal stress, cronic pain and organ inflammation.
Parts used: Flower and roots (I have tincture made from both, to take orally or topically)
Other ways to fight the virus:
- Since it's more about protecting yourself BEFORE you are sick because it can very well be too late when you already are, immunity boosters are first, but also preventing your immune system from declining.So - don't stress so much! Yes this is scary, but fear only separates us, wears on your health, and makes you buy too much toilet paper
Send me a DM if you want some herbs, or feel free to ask any questions!
Oh, and I'm available for private sessions, online or around Stockholm
You already love yourself
You already love yourself.
This is when you will (probably) find my statement outrageous, and you’d want to prove me wrong.
Why exactly? So you can continue excusing your behavior due to the lack of “self love”?
Self love has been co-opted by so many coaches, facilitators and gurus out there, it’s hard to keep track. But all that’s going on as soon as you google “how do I stop my girlfriend from shouting at me” or “how do I get my parents to see the value of my work”, pretty much any how-to emotional guide will tell you – love yourself more.
I’m here to be insanely controversial (as usual, I hope), and to explain an idea originally brought to us by Teal Swan.
You already love yourself, and “self sabotage” is not reeeeally a real thing.
Well… You know how people often say “a part of me feels this, but another part of me feels that”.
That is because indeed, when a strong event/trauma happens, to cope with it there happens a split in our consciousness. A fragmentation of sorts. And these different parts rule different areas of our life, come out when we are triggered, or are activated when we need something badly.
This is how we can do “inner child work” or “act as if we’re not ourselves” and such – we are ourselves, just different parts of our subconscious. Different parts, that are in desperate need of healing, in order to be aligned and together with our “higher self” or at least, our main character that we play in life, so we can remember who we truly are.
In a way, it’s like we all suffer from a mild case of DPD (dual personality disorder).
So what does this have to do with self love?
Well see, when you make a decision, let’s say… you become super clingy towards your partner, even though you KNOW it drives them away. Right? That is, because a part of you is for some reason afraid of them or the relationship, and believes it is in your best interest to chase them off.
Or perhaps you are usually a very composed person, but in a certain job interview which you really want to nail you get so nervous you start acting really weird so you don’t get the job, or you just don’t show up at all to begin with. Again, a certain part of your subconscious thinks it’s in your best interest to fail this, and perhaps do something else.
Now the task at hand is to really align as many parts of yourself with each other, so that you can make a unified decision together that is best for you! Sometimes the subconscious is correct.
But we’re talking about self love here, and, how does it come to mean you already love yourself?
Because even if something in your life goes horribly “wrong”, for a part of you it is right. Even if you fail, in a way you win. NO MATTER WHAT you do or say that you might want to “hate yourself” for, or blame yourself, in truth it is simply another part of YOU that is looking out for YOU.
You, or that part, love yourself SO MUCH that they’re always holding your best interest at hand, protecting you from harm, or threat, or unwise decisions.
Somehow, always, a part of you loves yourself, no matter what.
And personally, I think that’s very comforting and humbling to know.
I gain a certain empathy, understanding and non-judgement for myself (and others) I didn’t have before, softening, and loving even more.
Love and dance
I have heard, read and watched endless stories on women who don’t dare speak up about their $exual needs not being met.
I bet most of you, if not all, have seen this perpetuated in pop culture.
Of course speaking up about needs is regardless of gender, but since women are generally more physiologically and emotionally complicated when it comes to intimate relations (men generally work from the ”crotch to the heart”, and women need to be opened in heart before the legs uncross), it is generally also more women who voice the issue.
But, they only voice it with each other. And even barley that.
Have you any idea how many women are losing out on immense pleasure because they’re too afraid to speak up??
Have you seen the percentage of women not having orgasms with partners (because not fully open, comfortable or warmed up), have you seen the statistics? If not, google it right now, after you click ”follow” on my Instagram 😉
For this, I encourage you to take 3 steps:
Step 1. Feel into; what is it that you want? What do you need, to be fully open $exualy? What would you like your partner(s) to do more, or less of? Write down if nessecary.
Step 2. Stop being afraid of the outcome, and take your responsebility for your own pleasure!
And no I don’t mean masturbate. But how can you expect your partner, ANYONE, to get it right if nobody ever speaks up? We can’t keep getting our inspo from p0rn.
Step 3: Tell them. Always. Even in the middle of things, if nessecary.
Express as vulnerable as can be, and if they take it personally, well, too bad for them.
IF they don’t like what you said and you can’t get along, there’s a step 4: go find someone else.
It is so worth it expressing how we feel, regardless of outcome!!
If we don't tell them what we want and need, not only are we ruining things for ourselves but also for them, for other women, and oh imagine when years in the future a lady finally says something to the man, oh the horror O_O
I remember my beloved getting so offended when I had expressed (several times) I wanted him to take his time, slow his breathing, and be more attentive with foreplay.
He was good at "getting the job done" but not much warmup. (I promised him to add this was a year ago!)
"I've been with so many women, and you're the only one that has ever complained!!" He said, raising his voice in frustration.
He was quite hurt, he felt insecure, but after swallowing his pride and actually started listening to my body, he is now the best lover I've ever been with.
I truly honestly believe that something that has made me so empowered as I am today, is knowing and owning my own $exuality! <3
Trust yourself and stand your ground, dare to get your $exual needs and desires met!
Love and dance
*** What NEED is underneath your unwanted behaviour? ***
We all have needs, and our needs are NON-NEGOTIABLE.
Read that again.
It’s of course different in regards to which relationship is at hand; couple, triad, parents, friends or just your life in general, but you have your needs that need to be met, even when it comes to other people (shocker).
🥰A “NEED” are things such as: safety, love, variety, growth, purpose, physical touch, sense of community, etc. And we meet those needs through different people, behaviors or through supplying it for ourselves.
In the spiritual communities it is often considered “correct, healthy & noble” to meet your own needs, to be whole as you are, be more alone, because you should not depend on anyone else (see my post on “addiction to independence”)
But some needs you cannot, and in my opinion should not, meet on your own.
We NEED other people, and there is absolutely no shame in that!
In fact, one of the best ways to take care of yourself is asking others for support, and to have your needs and desires met.
:o But... what if you're too afraid to ask? Or too comfortable in your misery to change things?
HOW do we meet those needs?
🤯Every addiction, every learned behavior, is serving us some purpose.
The habit at hand might be insanely destructive, but the purpose is not. The intention, no matter what is done in this world, is always with a good INTENTION.
Try not to explode from the outrageous controversy. Breathe.
And some needs we either don’t believe can be met, or “have been proved to us” through life experience cannot be met, and therefore we take matter into our own hands; by meeting that need in a somewhat wicked way, that is based in fear.
💥It might be that a person picks fights with their beloved, since life taught them that “when it’s good; that’s the calm before the storm” and if they cause the storm they are in control of the situation and “cannot be hurt” by the other.
Needs met: Safety.
🏃♂️Perhaps it's a person deprived of real connection, and therefore cross their own boundaries by letting others touch them. even though they don't want it.
Needs met: Closeness.
🦋Another might drink excessively every weekend when going out with friends, drunk to the point of outrage, embarrassing behavior and just doing crazy shit with his buddies.
Needs met: Sense of community, and freedom.
If we look closely, all of us will see at least one thing or area in life where we don’t behave or treat ourselves/others how we would like to, and we might even cross our own boundaries and comfort, in order to get some of these needs met. Feel into it… what need is it? Why do you resort to these things/behaviors?
And if we look even closer, and dare to be vulnerable with those close to us and the world around us, we might find that others would love to help us meet our needs, in a more healthy, whole way.
What needs are you meeting in various ways that might not actually be serving your expansion?
Please do leave a comment, I would love to know!
Love and dance
What is true presence?
Most of us think being present is just being there in the room, like at school when we just raise our hand to show the teacher we're there, and then just go back to daydreaming about what's for lunch.
"I'm here, aren't I!" my partner shouted when I pointed out I don't feel he's being present. Of course, if we don't know what's expected of us, how can we learn different? Or not just what's expected but also - how do we evolve further?
To my partner I respond that it's not just about being here and looking at me, but it's so much more... It's true, he is here always, he stays strong and stays with me as long as possible (until he has to take a breather).
But true presence is about attention being focused on the other person, it's about giving your full awareness and acceptance of the situation, taking in the other person, looking with focus and care, with as much love as possible.
Presence is about listening, hearing without judgements within you, without answering, because if you judge or want to jump in it shows through you body and energy.
True presence is being there with your whole being, from the inside and out, giving the person in front of you as much of you as you can.
Because they feel, even on a subconscious level if you're there or not. But often you yourself who are holding space don't realize that perhaps, you're not really being present. And the other one might not see it either, but then people walk away from a deep conversation feeling still somehow unseen, that something is wrong but they can't quite point to what...
How often are you present with your friend, partner, or yourself?
And how does it feel to be truly seen and heard?
Contact me for private sessions :)
See more posts on: https://www.instagram.com/wildmedicinetantra/
Are you addicted?
*** A D D I C T E D ? ***
I'm not talking about drugs, food, or $ex, I don't mean addiction to games or p0rn, to love or gambling...
I'm talking about the epidemic flooding our society - the addiction to independence.
First, the men, and their "typical nature" to be independent, then the women's rights movement that's still progressing into women trying to be EVERYTHING because they want to be independent (and most burn out), and let's not forget social media (ironic), the pressure to move away from home super early, don't ask outside people for help, don't ask your neighbors for a cup of flour, and more and more... "you're responsible for you"
We are so obsessed and indoctrinated to fend for ourselves, that we forget how much of a social species we are. How much we actually need each other.
Many people get into relationships and they're so afraid to let the other one in and create a new symbiotic life, because they are independent and OHHHH God forbid you start relying on each other in any real way.. That's scary.. And I'm an independent person who can take care of myself.. Right?
We're being told that we have responsibility for our emotions, our wounds, our needs, and nobody can't do it for us, and in a way that's right.
But we're also forgetting that some needs cannot be met without other people helping and us letting them in, but hell, it's soo scary to be vulnerable because I'm so independent... I don't need anything from anyone, WOHOO!
In the end, how much energy are you left with, with this mindset?
Is this protective mechanism serving you, or others around you?
Think about that.
To be sensual is to fully enjoy life!
$exuality and sensuality are quite different things, even though they go hand in hand for a pleasurable experience.
The ability to be sensual (among other definitions) is to fully experience your different senses – touch, smell, taste, hearing and sight. Essentially it’s about mindfulness, being in the moment and enjoying everything you’re able to experience!
And that ability is often correlated to ones $exual confidence (and life in general).
Perhaps take a moment to close your eyes right now, and stroke yourself, just one bodypart, slowly slowly…. And really FEEL the sensation from your touch in that part of the body – what does it awaken, does it remind you of anything, or is it just… bliss?
Or, next time you eat – be quiet, experience your food, the taste, the texture and feel… or, how does the water from a shower feel on your skin, or the sun’s rays, or classical music touching your heart…?
How do you practice your sensuality?
To be sensual is to fully enjoy life!
I wish you all so much pleasure, go and enjoy yourself ^_^
Love and dance!
Nothing that's ever worth having comes easy!