You already love yourself.
This is when you will (probably) find my statement outrageous, and you’d want to prove me wrong.
Why exactly? So you can continue excusing your behavior due to the lack of “self love”?
Self love has been co-opted by so many coaches, facilitators and gurus out there, it’s hard to keep track. But all that’s going on as soon as you google “how do I stop my girlfriend from shouting at me” or “how do I get my parents to see the value of my work”, pretty much any how-to emotional guide will tell you – love yourself more.
I’m here to be insanely controversial (as usual, I hope), and to explain an idea originally brought to us by Teal Swan.
You already love yourself, and “self sabotage” is not reeeeally a real thing.
Well… You know how people often say “a part of me feels this, but another part of me feels that”.
That is because indeed, when a strong event/trauma happens, to cope with it there happens a split in our consciousness. A fragmentation of sorts. And these different parts rule different areas of our life, come out when we are triggered, or are activated when we need something badly.
This is how we can do “inner child work” or “act as if we’re not ourselves” and such – we are ourselves, just different parts of our subconscious. Different parts, that are in desperate need of healing, in order to be aligned and together with our “higher self” or at least, our main character that we play in life, so we can remember who we truly are.
In a way, it’s like we all suffer from a mild case of DPD (dual personality disorder).
So what does this have to do with self love?
Well see, when you make a decision, let’s say… you become super clingy towards your partner, even though you KNOW it drives them away. Right? That is, because a part of you is for some reason afraid of them or the relationship, and believes it is in your best interest to chase them off.
Or perhaps you are usually a very composed person, but in a certain job interview which you really want to nail you get so nervous you start acting really weird so you don’t get the job, or you just don’t show up at all to begin with. Again, a certain part of your subconscious thinks it’s in your best interest to fail this, and perhaps do something else.
Now the task at hand is to really align as many parts of yourself with each other, so that you can make a unified decision together that is best for you! Sometimes the subconscious is correct.
But we’re talking about self love here, and, how does it come to mean you already love yourself?
Because even if something in your life goes horribly “wrong”, for a part of you it is right. Even if you fail, in a way you win. NO MATTER WHAT you do or say that you might want to “hate yourself” for, or blame yourself, in truth it is simply another part of YOU that is looking out for YOU.
You, or that part, love yourself SO MUCH that they’re always holding your best interest at hand, protecting you from harm, or threat, or unwise decisions.
Somehow, always, a part of you loves yourself, no matter what.
And personally, I think that’s very comforting and humbling to know.
I gain a certain empathy, understanding and non-judgement for myself (and others) I didn’t have before, softening, and loving even more.
Love and dance
I have heard, read and watched endless stories on women who don’t dare speak up about their $exual needs not being met.
I bet most of you, if not all, have seen this perpetuated in pop culture.
Of course speaking up about needs is regardless of gender, but since women are generally more physiologically and emotionally complicated when it comes to intimate relations (men generally work from the ”crotch to the heart”, and women need to be opened in heart before the legs uncross), it is generally also more women who voice the issue.
But, they only voice it with each other. And even barley that.
Have you any idea how many women are losing out on immense pleasure because they’re too afraid to speak up??
Have you seen the percentage of women not having orgasms with partners (because not fully open, comfortable or warmed up), have you seen the statistics? If not, google it right now, after you click ”follow” on my Instagram 😉
For this, I encourage you to take 3 steps:
Step 1. Feel into; what is it that you want? What do you need, to be fully open $exualy? What would you like your partner(s) to do more, or less of? Write down if nessecary.
Step 2. Stop being afraid of the outcome, and take your responsebility for your own pleasure!
And no I don’t mean masturbate. But how can you expect your partner, ANYONE, to get it right if nobody ever speaks up? We can’t keep getting our inspo from p0rn.
Step 3: Tell them. Always. Even in the middle of things, if nessecary.
Express as vulnerable as can be, and if they take it personally, well, too bad for them.
IF they don’t like what you said and you can’t get along, there’s a step 4: go find someone else.
It is so worth it expressing how we feel, regardless of outcome!!
If we don't tell them what we want and need, not only are we ruining things for ourselves but also for them, for other women, and oh imagine when years in the future a lady finally says something to the man, oh the horror O_O
I remember my beloved getting so offended when I had expressed (several times) I wanted him to take his time, slow his breathing, and be more attentive with foreplay.
He was good at "getting the job done" but not much warmup. (I promised him to add this was a year ago!)
"I've been with so many women, and you're the only one that has ever complained!!" He said, raising his voice in frustration.
He was quite hurt, he felt insecure, but after swallowing his pride and actually started listening to my body, he is now the best lover I've ever been with.
I truly honestly believe that something that has made me so empowered as I am today, is knowing and owning my own $exuality! <3
Trust yourself and stand your ground, dare to get your $exual needs and desires met!
Love and dance
*** What NEED is underneath your unwanted behaviour? ***
We all have needs, and our needs are NON-NEGOTIABLE.
Read that again.
It’s of course different in regards to which relationship is at hand; couple, triad, parents, friends or just your life in general, but you have your needs that need to be met, even when it comes to other people (shocker).
🥰A “NEED” are things such as: safety, love, variety, growth, purpose, physical touch, sense of community, etc. And we meet those needs through different people, behaviors or through supplying it for ourselves.
In the spiritual communities it is often considered “correct, healthy & noble” to meet your own needs, to be whole as you are, be more alone, because you should not depend on anyone else (see my post on “addiction to independence”)
But some needs you cannot, and in my opinion should not, meet on your own.
We NEED other people, and there is absolutely no shame in that!
In fact, one of the best ways to take care of yourself is asking others for support, and to have your needs and desires met.
:o But... what if you're too afraid to ask? Or too comfortable in your misery to change things?
HOW do we meet those needs?
🤯Every addiction, every learned behavior, is serving us some purpose.
The habit at hand might be insanely destructive, but the purpose is not. The intention, no matter what is done in this world, is always with a good INTENTION.
Try not to explode from the outrageous controversy. Breathe.
And some needs we either don’t believe can be met, or “have been proved to us” through life experience cannot be met, and therefore we take matter into our own hands; by meeting that need in a somewhat wicked way, that is based in fear.
💥It might be that a person picks fights with their beloved, since life taught them that “when it’s good; that’s the calm before the storm” and if they cause the storm they are in control of the situation and “cannot be hurt” by the other.
Needs met: Safety.
🏃♂️Perhaps it's a person deprived of real connection, and therefore cross their own boundaries by letting others touch them. even though they don't want it.
Needs met: Closeness.
🦋Another might drink excessively every weekend when going out with friends, drunk to the point of outrage, embarrassing behavior and just doing crazy shit with his buddies.
Needs met: Sense of community, and freedom.
If we look closely, all of us will see at least one thing or area in life where we don’t behave or treat ourselves/others how we would like to, and we might even cross our own boundaries and comfort, in order to get some of these needs met. Feel into it… what need is it? Why do you resort to these things/behaviors?
And if we look even closer, and dare to be vulnerable with those close to us and the world around us, we might find that others would love to help us meet our needs, in a more healthy, whole way.
What needs are you meeting in various ways that might not actually be serving your expansion?
Please do leave a comment, I would love to know!
Love and dance