"I love you, please don't hurt me"
I’ve moved into a new place as of last Friday, together with my best girlfriend I now live in a house, on an island outside Stockholm, pretty far from city centre but it’s absolutely worth it! Now we can host retreats, workshops, and all the amazingness we can fit! <3
So of course now I have to take advantage of the fact that I no longer have neighbors right through the wall, floor, or ceiling, and do some LOUD morning practices.
Yesterday I did emotional release with myself and Amy Lee (Evanescence), screaming, roaring, sharing, drooling and just completely losing it all over the living-room floor.
After some 40 min I felt loads lighter, and continued on with my day, still pulsating from the rage that just erupted from my being.
This morning I wake up and after procrastinating for sometime in bed, I decided that this will now be my regular morning practice!
So I get dressed go to the living-room and put on some music, start shaking, sounding and breathing… then after 20 min or so I decided to switch music, and do some shamanic breathwork.
*For those who don’t know – it’s a super powerful breathing technique that gives power, oxygen and life to all your body, as well as release stuck emotions of different sorts.
After only a few minutes of breathing, I hear myself shriek.
A crazy, angry, animalistic scream full of pain emerged from the depth of my belly, and filled the space.
Then came the tears…
I cried and I cried…
The music changed, I got uncomfortable, started moving, distracting, noticed myself getting uncomfortable and tried coming back to it, again after a few min. I was back in the breathwork.
Another minute, and I’m weeping again… Emotions stuck just beneath the surface, I was crying “I love you, please don’t hurt me, NOO NO, but I LOVE YOU, PLEEEASE don’t hurt me!!”
The pain, the rage, the grief was excruciating!!
I didn’t know where it was from or who I was talking to; myself, my boyfriend, my exes, my father, I had no idea… I just felt the pain and in the back of my mind wondered “how the hell can I be alive, walking with that inside me…”.
And this was emerging from me in English. Weird, considering it’s not my mother-tongue even though I’m fluent in it.
In the midst of the pain I felt my thoughts wander, NOPE, coming back, no escaping!
I felt the tears fill my eyes time and time again as I was laying down, running down my temples and into my hair…
The pain of wanting to BE LOVE, to be seen as love, as light, the pain of having SO MUCH LOVE to give and not be received in it, the pain of being pushed away because of someone’s conditioning, the agony of being hurt by someone you love, the torture of wanting to love so badly.
This was not a little girl talking from her insecurities.
This was a part of me that’s adult, mature, a part of me that is so much love she’s overflowing, so much it event hurts to not be allowed to love fully.
I picked myself up after sometime, relieved, resting,, feeling lighter, but still there's more to come.
Join me in upcoming events or book an online private session, where we can work though our inner traumas together, befriending our demons, and de-conditioning taboos.
Love and dance
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Nothing that's ever worth having comes easy!