"I love you, please don't hurt me"
I’ve moved into a new place as of last Friday, together with my best girlfriend I now live in a house, on an island outside Stockholm, pretty far from city centre but it’s absolutely worth it! Now we can host retreats, workshops, and all the amazingness we can fit! <3
So of course now I have to take advantage of the fact that I no longer have neighbors right through the wall, floor, or ceiling, and do some LOUD morning practices.
Yesterday I did emotional release with myself and Amy Lee (Evanescence), screaming, roaring, sharing, drooling and just completely losing it all over the living-room floor.
After some 40 min I felt loads lighter, and continued on with my day, still pulsating from the rage that just erupted from my being.
This morning I wake up and after procrastinating for sometime in bed, I decided that this will now be my regular morning practice!
So I get dressed go to the living-room and put on some music, start shaking, sounding and breathing… then after 20 min or so I decided to switch music, and do some shamanic breathwork.
*For those who don’t know – it’s a super powerful breathing technique that gives power, oxygen and life to all your body, as well as release stuck emotions of different sorts.
After only a few minutes of breathing, I hear myself shriek.
A crazy, angry, animalistic scream full of pain emerged from the depth of my belly, and filled the space.
Then came the tears…
I cried and I cried…
The music changed, I got uncomfortable, started moving, distracting, noticed myself getting uncomfortable and tried coming back to it, again after a few min. I was back in the breathwork.
Another minute, and I’m weeping again… Emotions stuck just beneath the surface, I was crying “I love you, please don’t hurt me, NOO NO, but I LOVE YOU, PLEEEASE don’t hurt me!!”
The pain, the rage, the grief was excruciating!!
I didn’t know where it was from or who I was talking to; myself, my boyfriend, my exes, my father, I had no idea… I just felt the pain and in the back of my mind wondered “how the hell can I be alive, walking with that inside me…”.
And this was emerging from me in English. Weird, considering it’s not my mother-tongue even though I’m fluent in it.
In the midst of the pain I felt my thoughts wander, NOPE, coming back, no escaping!
I felt the tears fill my eyes time and time again as I was laying down, running down my temples and into my hair…
The pain of wanting to BE LOVE, to be seen as love, as light, the pain of having SO MUCH LOVE to give and not be received in it, the pain of being pushed away because of someone’s conditioning, the agony of being hurt by someone you love, the torture of wanting to love so badly.
This was not a little girl talking from her insecurities.
This was a part of me that’s adult, mature, a part of me that is so much love she’s overflowing, so much it event hurts to not be allowed to love fully.
I picked myself up after sometime, relieved, resting,, feeling lighter, but still there's more to come.
Join me in upcoming events or book an online private session, where we can work though our inner traumas together, befriending our demons, and de-conditioning taboos.
Love and dance
I met my EX
I MET MY (abusive) EX
I thought I'd share this piece for information with anyone struggling in shit relationships, I hope this helps! <3
Last year my ex wanting to meet up a year after our breakup, and everyone said not to do it, including my best friends, my current partner, everyone told me no.
But I went ahead anyway.
And honestly - It's the best thing I could have done! 🥰
My ex is suffering from Borderline disorder and severe PTSD, and he was a monster to me. The monstrous thing being that he loved me so much, and intermittently treated me like crap, emotionally and verbally (until he finally punched my face) and then went back to being amazing.
I stayed, because he had all the qualities I wished for in a man, besides the soon obvious fact that he's way too nuts and traumatized to be in a relationship.
And also, I was afraid that nobody else could tolerate how MUCH I am.
And here's the good part.
He wanted to meet, because he wanted to get back together.
I told him no, not because I have a boyfriend, but because you are too unreliable.
Then he proceeded to hold space for me, while I vomited out how angry I was, how hurt, how scared, and how I was grieving all the time and energy spent, how much it affected me.
He just listened, breathing deeply, being present.
When I was all out of rage, he asked if there is anything he can do for me.
- "Tell me the truth about me!" I said.
And he told me the truth... Which I hope can help YOU understand this kind of man better.
The truth is, he loved me.
He was afraid of losing me, and he put me on a pedestal so high, and himself so low.
He saw me as the beauty, and himself as the beast, therefore he had to emotionally manipulate, break me down, make me insecure, belittle and play on my abandonment wounds, so that he could win. So he could have me, as he pleased, so he knew I would always chase after him.
He wanted to be close, but since he is anxiousANDavoidant, he would neither be too close, or too far. Both options scared him to death.
HE WANTED TO BREAK ME DOWN, BECAUSE HE THOUGHT SO LITTLE OF HIMSELF, THAT I NEEDED TO STOOP TO HIS LEVEL SO WE COULD BE TOGETHER WITHOUT HIM ALWAYS FEELING INSECURE, INADEQUATE, AND REPULSIVE.
Despite it being obvious that he was the villain in this story, I could not help but ask him; - "Was it me? Did I make you aggressive, was anything my fault?"
- "No, don't you ever think that! You are nothing but LOVE!"
So there you go.
Best closure ever.
I said thank you, and walked away <3
Remember - Weak men, are dangerous men.
More herbal medicine, woho!
In times of fear and Covid-19,time to stock up on more than just toilet paper.
It's super important to support our immunity, before we actually get sick. Support ourselfes and our loved ones, in simple ways, like some chaga tea.
Chaga, this magic #mushroom that grows on birch trees, absorbs all the goodness from the birch.
It has been used as traditional medicine in Siberia, even been told to protect and help cure cancer or support during chemo!
Its #antifungal , #antibacterial #antiviral anti most things actually!
If you look it up on Google, the list is HUGE!
I've had friends cure their pollen and fur allergy, rashes and colds by drinking chaga 💓
Personally I use it to support my health in times of trouble, and it's super strong and powerful.
You can cook a tiny piece several times, and drink the tea.
Also Chai tea made from base of #chaga instead of black tea is amazing! 💐
More ways to protect from the virus:
- zinc supplements and vitamin B compex are amazing! Very important to support the immune system and to protect your cells from stress, since stress also lowers immunity.
- eat whole and healthy foods, in variation, not just the pasta you stocked up during quarantine. 😂
🌳If you want some chaga, I have both pieces, powder and a little tincture left! 🌳
Contact me for private sessions, health advice and more!
Support your local artist/teacher/healer that lost most work because of the virus 😂😭
Nothing that's ever worth having comes easy!