You already love yourself.
This is when you will (probably) find my statement outrageous, and you’d want to prove me wrong.
Why exactly? So you can continue excusing your behavior due to the lack of “self love”?
Self love has been co-opted by so many coaches, facilitators and gurus out there, it’s hard to keep track. But all that’s going on as soon as you google “how do I stop my girlfriend from shouting at me” or “how do I get my parents to see the value of my work”, pretty much any how-to emotional guide will tell you – love yourself more.
I’m here to be insanely controversial (as usual, I hope), and to explain an idea originally brought to us by Teal Swan.
You already love yourself, and “self sabotage” is not reeeeally a real thing.
Well… You know how people often say “a part of me feels this, but another part of me feels that”.
That is because indeed, when a strong event/trauma happens, to cope with it there happens a split in our consciousness. A fragmentation of sorts. And these different parts rule different areas of our life, come out when we are triggered, or are activated when we need something badly.
This is how we can do “inner child work” or “act as if we’re not ourselves” and such – we are ourselves, just different parts of our subconscious. Different parts, that are in desperate need of healing, in order to be aligned and together with our “higher self” or at least, our main character that we play in life, so we can remember who we truly are.
In a way, it’s like we all suffer from a mild case of DPD (dual personality disorder).
So what does this have to do with self love?
Well see, when you make a decision, let’s say… you become super clingy towards your partner, even though you KNOW it drives them away. Right? That is, because a part of you is for some reason afraid of them or the relationship, and believes it is in your best interest to chase them off.
Or perhaps you are usually a very composed person, but in a certain job interview which you really want to nail you get so nervous you start acting really weird so you don’t get the job, or you just don’t show up at all to begin with. Again, a certain part of your subconscious thinks it’s in your best interest to fail this, and perhaps do something else.
Now the task at hand is to really align as many parts of yourself with each other, so that you can make a unified decision together that is best for you! Sometimes the subconscious is correct.
But we’re talking about self love here, and, how does it come to mean you already love yourself?
Because even if something in your life goes horribly “wrong”, for a part of you it is right. Even if you fail, in a way you win. NO MATTER WHAT you do or say that you might want to “hate yourself” for, or blame yourself, in truth it is simply another part of YOU that is looking out for YOU.
You, or that part, love yourself SO MUCH that they’re always holding your best interest at hand, protecting you from harm, or threat, or unwise decisions.
Somehow, always, a part of you loves yourself, no matter what.
And personally, I think that’s very comforting and humbling to know.
I gain a certain empathy, understanding and non-judgement for myself (and others) I didn’t have before, softening, and loving even more.
Love and dance